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Why I Dyed My Hair Pink

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Everyone has been so sweet to compliment me on my new pink hair. I often get this question, “Why did you decide to do it?”

I have answered with a few different answers. Stuff like, this is as rebellious as I can get. Or, I  just wanted something new and different. But I use those reasons because the real reason why I decided to dye my hair pink is too long to talk about in the middle of the hallway at church while my son is squirming in my arms.

*update* in hindsight, now that I have written this whole thing out, there is probably a SUPER easy and short way to respond to those questions…but if you know me, I am not one for being concise! Haha, this is a really long blog explaining a short concept. But hey, I am just being open and honest. 

So, I want to tell you the real truth. And be prepared…it will probably be a lot of talking and reflecting about myself. Ha, so if your not interested in hearing the inside of my brain, you better stop here.

Almost three years ago I had a huge epiphany. I WAS INCREDIBLY INSECURE! Now, granted I am still insecure. I have talked about that in previous posts, but my insecurities were way worse three years ago. I saw this insecurity in the way I acted toward people, or I guess I should say REACTED. Because typically, my insecurities take form in strong reactions to confrontation and awkward exchanges.

I am pretty sure I have explained how sensitive of a person I am, and recently I have learned that I am not really a “sensitive” person as much as I have a lot of insecurities. When I was very young, I was a crier. This initially wasn’t bad, and I believe I would have been able to manage myself better at an earlier age if it wasn’t for some other things that made me embarrassed and insecure and those insecurities prolonged my emotional instabilities.

Throughout my childhood and teenage years, my insecurities got worse (for reasons I do not need to get into) and for that, I was never able to manage my crying and reactive attitude.

Alright, back to the point of this blog post. Like I said, three years ago I had an experience that made me realize how insecure I actually was. And not just that, but how out of control I was. I had been lying to myself thinking I was in control of my reactive behavior, but I wasn’t! Over the years I had led myself to believe that I was small, insignificant, a mess, and not even of the hott kind! I didn’t think I was pretty at all, despite the fact that I married a freaking movie star (seriously, my husband is gorgeous and so out of my league).

And this is the worst part: I did not believe I was worthy of love. Yes, I believed my family loved me, but I often placed myself in such a way that I felt I was not as lovable as my siblings and was a burden. Now, you should know…and more importantly, my parents and family should know, THIS WAS NOT THEIR FAULT. Yes, maybe they could have handled my emotional self better. But that is life, with anything, we could ALWAYS have handled things better than we did. My parents and family loved me, and did their best with me. And I honor them for that, and I appreciate everything they have done for me to help me and hear me and teach me and love me. Unfortunately, I, MYSELF, let the world and others tell me who was worthy of love, and I sized myself up against those standards and believed them.

On the plus side, because of my faith and my belief that God loves me and that I am his child and I wanted to follow his guidance, I chose not to stoop down to the worlds level and physically change myself. But I did let it tell me that I wasn’t good enough. That I was weird. That I was ugly. And because of those reasons, I could not be loved.

As time went on, and I experienced different disappointments such as break-ups, failures, and actually being told I wasn’t pretty or good enough. My insecurity got worse.

So three years ago, when I was pregnant with Cora, I was extra emotional and stressed because I was on bed rest, and I had this terrible experience that made me realize I had a problem. To be honest, I didn’t pin the problem on insecurity then, I had just realized I was not managing my emotions very well. But now I see it was all because I was insecure.

So, for the past three years I have been working on myself. I have been talking to family and my husband when I feel that reactive nature in me. My wonderful husband has been a life saver, as he is always building me up, never going a day without telling me how beautiful and wonderful I am and how much he loves me. I love him so much!

As I started to manage my emotions better, I found I was able to think clearer and see where my insecurities lie. I have worked on stepping out of my box, reaching out for friendships that I wouldn’t have done. I have worked on putting myself in others shoes and giving people the benefit of the doubt. I have tried to get out of my head, and recognizing that not everything is about me! That maybe that person, who seems standoff-ish is actually just shy, or introverted. Maybe, they want a friend. And maybe, the real reason why I feel like they are standoff-ish or “think they are better than me” is because I AM jealous.

I have worked on minding my own business. And living MY OWN life! Praying and asking God for direction, and not letting other people’s opinions deter me from following HIS direction.

I have looked my fears in the face. I was terrified to join the military, terrified to be an Army Wife, terrified to have my husband leave me. I was terrified to have a second child. I was terrified that I would have my son early. I was terrified to have another high-risk pregnancy without my husband by my side. I was terrified to start photography again. I was terrified I would be bad at it and see that everyone is better than me. I was terrified that I would fail. But I did these things anyway because I felt like they were the right thing to do.

And with doing all of this, my insecurities have lessened little by little. It’s been a two steps forward, one step back type of thing. My pregnancies are typically the step back because I am extra unstable and I have a hard time dealing with that. My postpartum experiences have been hard on my confidence as well. If you remember my previous post about my “postpartum” life, you will see that I have struggled with staying sane. I actually had a friend reach out to me about postpartum depression  after that post and through a lot of different tests (thinking it was thyroid issue and all this other stuff), I finally hit a low point where I felt numb and not happy at all and the doctor sent me to a therapist and she helped out a lot. Initially, she diagnosed me with minor postpartum depression, and later, after seeing how well I was responding to therapy without medication, she mentioned that maybe instead of postpartum depression, I was just incredibly stressed. Who knows! But I have recently weaned my son, and between therapy and weaning I feel SO much better. 🙂

Anyway, going to a therapist has been really freeing and helped me get back on my track of building my confidence. As my confidence has built I have been changing on the outside. Wardrobe changes and hair changes and makeup changes. All these changes I have done for ME! That’s important to know as well. The changes are things I have been wanting to do but didn’t have the courage to do.

Ok I am finally getting to my pink hair….there was this girl I was talking to on Facebook (a fellow military wife) with pink hair. And I said “wow, I love that, I am not sure I could ever do that, I don’t think I’m cool enough for that!” Seriously, I love the pink hair trend, and I just felt like I was not trendy enough. And she told me how she used to think that also, and that one day she just realized how dumb that sounded! What do you mean, we are not COOL enough or EDGY enough for something! I can do what I want, and I can be as cool and edgy as I want! So she died her hair pink.

That really hit, and more importantly it showed me where I was feeding my insecurities.

So…I made the plunge. It was incredibly hard for me to do. I asked opinions, and went back and forth about 100 times. And between my friends and my husband who cheered me on to do it. I DID! And as dumb as it sounds, it has been so liberating! It has become this symbol to me of letting go and telling myself that I AM good enough, I AM lovable, and I AM the agent of myself!

So there you have it. If you have reached the end of this post congratulations…I hope your clothes are not out of style! And thank you for taking the time read it. I hope it helps someone else who might find that they are insecure. I hope this can help you on your journey to becoming a confident individual!

Photo of the Day

26

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Well, I am 26. And it feels the same as me being 25. Except that I realize I am that much closer to 30.

So, as I said in my previous post, my parents came into town to surprise me for my birthday. They spent the whole weekend here. I cannot tell you how wonderful it was to have them here. I may be 26, but I still need my parents. That was made very clear as they were here.

Anyway, I just want to express how amazing my parents are. They are two people who I look to as an example in many things. My parents raised 6 kids, and while I will not try to say they were perfect, I do believe they parented very well and I still turn to my parents for parenting guidance. I can’t even count the amount of times I have called my mom asking for parenting advice, and she usually tries to direct me to my sisters because parenting today is different then back then. Haha but I still call her all the time.

My parents have been an example to me of righteous living. Again, I am not going to pretend that they have never faltered in their faith. But they raised me to be a follower of Christ, they taught me to pray, reminded me that I am a child of God, and taught me the importance of obedience and the blessings we receive when we follow Gods commandments.

They have taught me the importance of hard work, and never giving up hope. My dad is the hardest worker I know! He has dedicated his life to working for his family. I will never forget the day I asked why he was always working, and why he wouldn’t just take a break. And he said, “did it ever occur to you that I actually like working?” It hadn’t. But because of his hard work my family has been blessed, I have been blessed my kids and nieces and nephews have been blessed. My mom is the perfect example of moving forward with hope. I often remind myself that it will all work out somehow, I do this because my mom used to remind me that as I grew up. She taught me how to trust that things will work out, and if they don’t she taught me how to pick myself back and up and be resilient.

My parents have been an amazing support for me and my family. I know I am so lucky to have parents who I can rely on, who I know would do anything for me if I truly needed it. I feel incredibly blessed to have such amazing parents.

I only hope to become even half as good as them!

Photo of the Day

I’m Back!

I’m done with my social media fast. And I missed social media. But not for the reasons I was expecting. Really, I just missed the opportunity to grow my business and the little connections to my close friends and family. And while it was nice not to have to worry about posting everyday on this blog, I missed being able to talk about whats going on in my life. It’s cathartic for me.

Anyway, my amazing husband and parents planned a surprise for my birthday! My parents flew in 🙂

It has been so nice to have them here, and I feel so grateful that they took time away from their busy schedules. For that reason, I am not going to go crazy today and talk a ton. But I have a lot of material to talk about in the future.

ANYWAY! We went to the beach today and I got some adorable photos. So here, enjoy!

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Columbus Day, Beach Day!

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As you can tell based on the post title, we spent our Columbus Day on the beach. Well, and cleaning the house. Our friends, the Browns, invited us to the beach and I was certain Andrew would say no, because he hates the beach…well he hates sand. Luckily, when I asked, he said “it’s up to you.” So, we went to the beach. 🙂

And I am glad we did, because I got this glorious butt crack photo of my children. It’s funny, because literally my kids are always showing their butt crack. Cora has a small booty, and Crew has a big belly which makes it so his pants don’t fit right. Haha, I love my kids.

The other good thing about going to the beach today is that I finally remembered to bring our beach tent, that my mom gave us before coming here. And basically that sold Andrew on the beach. In his words, “well, as long as we have this I would actually not mind coming to the beach more often!” So, hopefully that means I will get a little bit more sunshine in my life, and more cute photos of my kids at the beach.

Still doing my social media fast. It has been interesting. I literally picked up my phone to look at it, and just stared at it when I realized I couldn’t get on Facebook or Instagram. My thought was…”well then what is the point of this phone!” HAHAHA how terrible is that?! I am not cool enough to have people text me, and I don’t have a bunch of games on my phone. So, I started reading my scriptures on my phone instead. So, the social media fast is going good so far.

 

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Uplifted. Encouraged. Blessed.

Today was much better! Yesterday I stated that I was able to listen and watch the leaders of my church speak to the whole world. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. We believe that there is a prophet on the earth today and apostles. That is who I heard from yesterday, and today. And thankfully I woke up on the right side of the bed this time. So after yesterday I am feeling uplifted, encouraged, and blessed.

Uplifted, because it is always nice to be reminded that you are a child of God, that you are loved, and cared for.

Encouraged, because I feel like I received a pep talk for life. I have a sense of not only can I do this, life, but I can improve myself and my strengthen my family.

And blessed, because I spent 2 whole days being reminded how grateful I am for my family and that I get to have them forever.

I was also challenged to take a break from social media for 10 days. Which I plan on starting tomorrow. I am feeling conflicted on whether or not I should continue posting on here for the 10 days… I do these posts partly for my business and partly for my own personal journal. Yet, it is a social media. So I am not sure what I will do yet. You may or may not get another one of these blog posts for 10 days. It will be a surprise!

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Two Extremes

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Today I woke up cranky. You know those types of days? Where you just wake up mad and with a short fuse. I mean I was probably only up for maybe a half-hour and I was talking to Andrew and he said, “whats wrong?” And I stopped and thought, “what does he mean?” and then I realized I was talking to him in a very annoyed and sassy tone. So, yeah that is how my day started.

On the other hand, today members of the Church had the opportunity to listen and watch the prophet and apostles (the leaders of our church and the world) speak. This happens twice a year and it is always something I look forward to because it is uplifting!

So I felt very pulled in two extremes today as I both felt cranky and yet uplifted. So I guess you could say it’s been kind of an emotionally tiring day. I took this picture of Cora and I (trying to make it as unposed as I could) because when mom is cranky and gets mad at you for silly things, she needs cuddles. This was the best I could do taking a picture of us two by myself! Haha.

Well, that’s all I have to say about that (know that quote?). Hopefully tomorrow I will wake up and be normal-ish again.

Photo of the Day

Be Open. Be Kind.

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I believe in a lot of things. Lately, I have found myself discussing with friends, my husband, and myself the importance of being open and kind.

What do I mean by that?

I truly believe that when we know enough about a person, then it is easier to be compassionate and understanding when thing’s happen, or they offend us, or they are struggling. Jesus Christ knows us better than anyone else, even ourselves. So it is no surprise to me that he is our perfect comforter. God knows us, and therefor he can be perfectly understanding.

That is why I think it is important for us to be willing to be open with others. We can’t be afraid to let others know what’s going on in our lives. We don’t need to be specific, but I wish more people would say something like, “hey, I am having a hard time. I don’t want to talk about it, but I just want you to know that I am.” I WANT to know when you are having a hard time. Because then I can pray for you, or think about how I can help you. I can be sensitive to your life and know that if for some reason you are cranky with me one day, I can say “well, I know they are going through a lot right now.” I understand, it’s none of my business, but I hope people know that I am willing to listen and I am willing to be understanding!

Now, don’t get me wrong, this is not an excuse for letting ourselves get offended or angry at someone we don’t know. I also believe in being kind. And that to me means a lot of things, but in this case it means giving people the benefit of the doubt. So that when that random person (who I will most likely never know anything about) cuts me off on the highway, I can and should think “maybe they are going through a rough time right now, maybe they are just having a bad day, or maybe there is an emergency.”

I believe we should be open and kind. Because doing those things will make our lives and others lives a lot less angry and stressful. And I think we can all agree the world us a little less stress and anger.