I am a happy person. I often try to choose to be happy despite how I am feeling on the inside. And I don’t view this as me suppressing feelings. Obviously, I don’t believe that suppressing feelings is good. But I also don’t believe it is healthy to let the things we feel consume our lives. So when I am with friends I will choose to be happy and easygoing. One thing I know I need to work on is choosing to be happy around my family as well. Because I also don’t think it is good to put on a front in public, and then save your worst behavior for your family. Which is incredibly common. That isn’t to say I shouldn’t be completely honest and open with how I am feeling with my family. That is what they are there for. Anyway, I don’t know if any of that makes sense, but I just wanted to make it very clear that I am a happy person.
I don’t know how many people even read my blogs, and that’s ok. These have become more for me than anything. It has become a way for me to document my life and let me talk about my day and feelings, while at the same time trying to let my friends, family and clients understand me better.
I want to talk about my postpartum life so that people understand what is going on in my head sometimes. I am lucky. I don’t have postpartum depression (at least not that I know of) and my breastfeeding journey has been relatively uneventful and simple. So I am grateful for that, because I know some people really struggle postpartum. However, postpartum isn’t a piece of cake for me either. I was once told that the hormone changes a woman goes through when she gets pregnant and delivers and nurses is equivalent to going through puberty all over again. And boy do I get that! I have never felt like such an angsty teenager more than I do now.
I swear I am irritated 85% of the time! And the worst part, just like an angsty teenager, I take out most of my irritations on my family. So many things irritate me. My dog, my house, my children (mostly my toddler), my husband, that random driver on the road, and most of all me. Sometimes I feel I am irritated all the time.
And the thing is. It’s all in my head. Most of the time I have no reason to be irritated. So when I am, I get more irritated with myself because I know I am being dumb. I know I am being irrational and impatient. I know all this. And yet, I am still irritated.
And unfortunately that, combined with a few other things that I experience postpartum, takes a toll on my marriage. And I can feel it. And it has been affecting my relationship with my daughter. And I hate that.
I would love more than anything to be normal again! And I know that if I just stop nursing I will be. But then I miss out on that wonderful experience of nursing…and to be blunt, I don’t think we could afford formula.
So, I am sorry if my posts sometimes seem negative. I don’t like being a negative person. And I already have goals to try to improve that and feel more in control of myself. But I am just letting you know, you are currently experience postpartum Christine. Sorry she can be a little (and by little, I mean a lot) irritable.
And just to make myself clear, despite all of that. Despite the struggles. Crew is 100%, no 1000%, worth it.